Getting over party anxiety

I received my bridal shower invitation in the mail. I was very excited, but then the panic and anxiety took over.

I have rarely had parties that celebrate me. I had one in high school and then maybe a few others in elementary school. Each time it has included a gaggle of girls and ended up in some weird girl gang where I was the outsider at my party. My feelings have always gotten hurt.

Could this happen now when I am an adult surrounded by adult friends and family? It is a bridal shower! No one has ever made the bride cry in anguish, right? Well, I have to believe that since my shower is being thrown by people that love me that I will be ok. Plus, there is already an extra perk; I need a cute new outfit for my shower so I get to shopping!

What's in a name

Over the course of my engagement family and friends have treaded lightly around my last name. Would I keep my last name, hyphenate, or get rid of it to acquire my fiance’s last name? I still cannot pronounce my future hubbie’s last name correctly. I am glad that I have the freedom to be able to choose what to do with the whole last name situation although I never would have guessed that it would have felt so loaded with meaning for me.

Some thoughts:

1. I have decided that I cannot hyphenate the two names together. My name would be forever long as I already have two middle names.

2. If I give up my current last name I would be cutting off the last connection I have to my deceased father and to a family I never really got to know. Plus, changing my last name would be a huge pain in the ass.

3. Men have the option to change their last names though it would take one mighty search to find a man who doesn’t bawk at the idea. I can’t help but wonder if I take on this part of my fiancé what part of me will he take on?

I have actually already decided that I would change my last name even though I have some mixed feelings about it. Ultimately, I see changing my last name as an opportunity to add to my identity.

Heroin for the honeymoon

My honeymoon might kill me before I even get to attempt to book it. When you are poor you have no idea where to spend the money you do not have. The every night researching is causing more stress and anxiety than my wedding day. It has been several days since we have actually relaxed and zoned out. Sometimes the internet is like heroin without the added benefit of a high.

Should we go to Mexico to an adults-only resort and nestle in a suite with non-stop alcoholic beverages and no worries about our next meal or should we ditch the resort shit and go for the adventure in St. John and rent an intimate villa without the luxury, but with the multiple beach exploration? Lazy and ten pound weight gain, or adventurous and a liver?

All I know is that I want to have a great time. I want to further my risk for skin cancer and I want to honeymoon it with my new husband. I have been made fun of my desire to honeymoon it. Yes, we have been “dating” forever and living together for more than half of forever. We’ve established our lives together long enough to find expired medications and cleaning products in our apartment. However, I have not been a wife yet and have never had a husband before so yeah, I want to stay in a suite on our wedding night and not fall asleep or pass out and then I want to be romantic for a week.

Weight gain or liver? Looks like another night of heroin and then I might need to check into rehab. Yes, another vacation...

Opposite days

I am not sure which is more disturbing. My fiancé exclaiming he is definitely team Jacob or his dream that my wedding dress was a white ruffled tube dress complimented by white thigh highs and white “pumps”. Some days Mike says the oddest things.

The team Jacob declaration really is just another piece to our all out opposite war we have going on. Although, he wavers since he does not have a firm clue of what he wants in life. That is what I tell myself to cope with our opposite days.

Mostly, I’m more adventurous and when planning my adventure schemes I find myself feeling even more carefree when I picture Mike with me. As if we could be anywhere in the world and he would make it so much better because I’m shy, he’s not, and people tend to love him. Thus he has the capability of helping to open up the world more for me. I crave this, which is why our opposite days kill me.

I might consider this opposite problem as a balance solution. I help Mike realize there are other options and Mike helps me to slow down and examine my schemes to make sure they actually are adventures. However, with our marriage quickly approaching we find ourselves examining the type of marriage we seek more often. What will we do together? What will we do apart? Will compromise be the solution or a sacrifice?

For now, I know we both can be comfortable with my loyalty to team Edward and a wedding dress without the white thigh highs and complimentary white pumps.

The nightmares commence

The three month countdown to the big day is about to commence. Along with the countdown comes the nightmares. Last night my unconscious mind graced me with a lovely dream where the day had come and Mike and I had forgotten to finish writing our vows. I frantically looked for him to finish writing our vows, but of course I could not find my groom anywhere.

Who knew there was so much to worry about with weddings?! I just pictured the day magically happening. Now I am consuming as many facial products as I possibly can to try to avoid a zit or worse a breakout on my wedding day. Unfortunately, as much as I have tried to involve Mike in the wedding he just does not get stressed out about a zit like I do. Therefore, I have all these tiny things that I am worried about on top of the overall wedding picture and Mike does not. Can’t I make him worry some more?

In my worried state I must go off to check the list and check it twice…and then one more time. Brides are surely more thorough than Santa will ever be.

Bridal shower fantasy

At first my "surprise" bridal shower seemed like it would be a tolerable idea. Unfortunately, I was brought back to my senses when my surprise bridal shower required my participation in the planning. Sometimes binuclear families suck. My friends emailed me trying to figure out who I wanted to invite. I already made the shit list for the wedding guest list cuts, so in my every effort to not decide the invitees I gave them the mothers’ email addresses and a list of the women invited to the wedding.

Having not been to a bridal shower I have no idea what to expect. Scary games? Then, Kait reminded me of the other “haha” funny part of bridal showers such as the wonderful lingerie piece from the soon to be mother-in-law. The thought of lingerie floating around is not what horrifies me. It is the thought that my mother-in-law would love it because she wants me popping out babies right away, and if it meant that she would have to promote my having sex with her first born, well, she’d happily endure it. (Sorry TA; you can always seek revenge by buying me a butt plug instead.)

Then there is my own mother who is definitely a burn your bra sexual freedom lady. While bridal dress shopping my sister reminded me of when my mother attempted to act out the sex scene with Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton from Monster’s Ball…in front of my sister’s husband. If you have not seen this movie you just don’t understand. Perhaps, my mother can give a butt plug tutorial at the bridal shower.

Family members are crazy and that’s why I love them. I am sure the bridal shower will be a fantastic female event (thanks girls!) where I will no doubt now finally receive the butt plug of my dreams and the much needed lesson from my mother – preferably after we eat the cake.