Minding breasts

Mostly, in the gym I like to have my music blasted so all communication is cut off except between my iPod and my head. Sometimes I’m sneaky and I turn my music down so that I can ease drop on conversations. Today while eloquently mounting the elliptical trainer I was blissfully unaware of my breasts until one frequent sweaty male member said to another, “Trust me after teaching breastfeeding for 20 plus years there is nothing I need to know about women’s breasts.” He was clearly amused about an article he just read. I looked quickly down at the magazine he was holding, Men’s Health.

Why is Men’s Health writing about my breasts? I want to know about my breasts, but men don’t want to know about my breasts. Apparently, according to “It takes two: What women really want you to know, think, and feel about their breasts”, there are four truths plus a final truth, which really makes five:

1. Women don’t think we’re total pigs about this.
2. Many women love their breasts more than you do.
3. Women can be deeply conflicted about their breasts.
4. In bed you know nothing about them.
5. Final truth:  “…there's a double standard about being endlessly presented with breasts and then being vilified for looking at them.”

I’ve decided a response was in order:

1. Yes we do. Exceptions: (a) you are hot (b) we want to have sex with you (c) we want something from you.
2. What evidence suggests that again? I’m not sure citing that 62% of women finding it more exciting to take off their tops than their bottoms really insights the conclusion that we love our breasts more than you do. Furthermore, finding that 78% of women prefer being on top because it shows of their breasts better during sex is more indicative of women’s acute knowledge that this will turn men on and that they (women) will more likely orgasm.
3. Thanks in most part to our society’s insistence that breasts defines female gender, sexuality, and identity.
4. In bed, out of bed, after reading Men's Health, you most likely just know nothing about breasts.
5. Boohoo. Welcome to the world of walking the line between being the sacred Madonna and the sultry slut.

My thoughtful conclusion: Tomorrow I’ll put on a bra that lifts the girls and possibly a sneak peak top and get pissed when you look at my breasts unless of course a,b, or c apply. Enjoy.